Updated: Aug 14, 2020
I am a very transparent person, likely to a fault. Like everyone I have thoughts, dreams, and desires. However I also suffer from depression, and self-doubt, and lots of other things that feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. If you are still reading you either feel this way as well or you know me well and are waiting for my first cuss word. Nice try, not this time.
I wasn't sure what to make my first post about. I mean so little is currently going on in the world! 2020 is down right boring. I almost don't know what to do with myself.
Oh yes I do, curl up in a ball with a blanket over me and chant the 'sky is falling' (I actually did this on a Sunday in late June). I don't know about you, but I need a break. A long mental and physical break from it all. No media, no responsibilities, no fears of the next awful thing to come out of 2020. The need for this break is exactly why Em Dash Love is happening now as opposed to three years from now or more likely never.
Graphic art lets me release the bad energy. Like a mental sage burning. It also offers me a way to quiet those ruminating thoughts that happen more often than not for depression suffers, but ESPECIALLY in the midst of the sky falling.
I have been having so many anxiety induced dreams. So many that I don't even share them with anyone any more. There are a few that seem to stick with me longer than others. THEREFORE, I am trying to write about them, draw about them and work through them - similar to signing a song to get rid of that incessant ear-worm (I have a toddler, Baby Shark can last a week).
Here it goes. You are my test sampling. If this goes well you may be forced to read more of these in the future. Or of course unsubscribe - assuming you subscribe.
The below is from the morning of July 17th, 2020 - as written out in the notes app on my phone while hiding from my family in the bathroom.
I keep having these annoyingly persistent dreams. The annoyance is both the persistence of these dreams and the subject matter. These particular brand of dream stars an ex-love in one capacity or another. They seem to infiltrate these dreams. Infiltrate is actually the appropriate term here because I cannot shake the presence, even hours later. So, in an effort to try to break this cycle I am writing about it. On my phone, while hiding in the bathroom (it's a small house, there aren't many places to go). The other method would be to reach out to this person, but hell no. Not maybe, no. You see, time heals wounds, but it doesn't heal childishness or the inability to love, there I said it. Anyway...
How many times can you tell yourself to stop thinking about something? When do you start to wonder if it is impossible? How many times can you mentally revisit something only to realize that you cannot even fully access the feelings you are trying to get to? Hmmmm.
I am reminded of a Joni Mitchell quote "go to him, stay with him if you can, but be prepared to bleed". It doesn't have to be gendered, it doesn't have to be a being at all, maybe it's just the feeling. This is my constant feeling, nae fear, of abandonment. Where did it come from, when did it start? Eff if I know. It has plagued me most of my life, following me in and out of relationships, addictions, grief, and made people think that I am just a little crazy. (This is not including the narcissists who thought my inability to address my own demons was a sign of obsession. Maybe it was a need for closure, or the fear of allowing myself to not control a situation? It doesn't matter, it usually turned out the same; the "other" dealing with their own inadequacies of facing their feelings only to eventually turn to gas-lighting tactics instead of actual closure. Oh, by the way, if you are reading this it ain't about you, Warren Beatty.)
So, as I ramble, and finally find start to see inside these persistent dreams..
There it is.
I have faced this fact about myself before, but it likes to sneak in when I let my guard down.
Now, how does this connect to creativity? The feeling in the middle of my chest feels like the darkest-slate blue-underside of a rain cloud. Somehow this color is an emotion, is a state of MY being. My next piece, whether it is a logo, a gift for someone, or *gasp* a painting, will use this color. If you are interested look up #334D66. This sounds very new-age-crazy-person-talking-about-emotions-as-colors, I know. However, humor me and try playing along.
What dark, almost inaccessible feeling are you holding in? Take a deep breath and try to touch it. Does it have a color? It sounds crazy, and I know I am pretty gonzo (as well as obsessed with color), but I bet this feeling does have a color and when you see it you will feel your connection to this feeling. Look for it and bring it into your life. Share with me what this color is. It can be a picture, a color code, a description. The color is out there waiting for you to find it. Or it's not, and I have finally lost my mind. :)